Passion Crimes (2001) from Tuna and Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)
|Two thumbs way down
Tuna's comments in yellow:
Passion Crimes (video 2001) is, according to IMDB, a 74 minute crime/thriller. The title and running time alone should be enough to tell most people that it is an erotic thriller, not to mention cast members like:
Where to start ... with the plot I guess, since there is so little of it. Featherly breaks up with her boss/boyfriend, because he won't commit to her. Flowers disappears, and foul play is suspected, when the lawmen find a bloody knife which is registered to her husband.
At any rate, the police arrest the husband
Featherly, a business law expert, is assigned to defend him. Meanwhile, she catches her boss/boyfriend in bed with her best friend, Lauren Montgomery. Naturally, she rushes into a sexual relationship with the husband, even though he is married, he is her client and she catches him screwing the maid, Venus.
So Featherly does a three way with the husband and Venus. The maid, after the three way, confides that she heard the husband talking on the phone about killing his wife. She claimed she kept quiet because she was afraid, and didn't want to screw up her chances of becoming a citizen. Of course, she is lily white, with no accent, and has had an ongoing sexual relationship with the husband. When Featherly suggests that she stay with friends, she says she has plenty of family she can stay with.
After the threeway, Featherly suspects that the husband is guilty after all. Guilty of what? Nobody says. Then we find out that Flowers was kidnapped.
The evil sister, of course.
"Huh? What evil sister?"
The one we haven't heard a word about through the entire film, of course. So, the husband is jailed for conspiracy because it seems he screwed the evil sister years before, and had the original kidnap idea. See, we knew he was a perpetrator in search of a crime, the evil sister is put into a mental hospital, and Featherly, her boss/boyfriend, and Montgomery have a threesome.
|You might well ask, with
so thin a plot, how did they fill up 74 minutes? By expanding the sex
scenes, of course. So this is good news, right? No, they expanded the
sex scenes by running them all in slow motion. Let me repeat that, so it
sinks in. All of the sex scenes, which comprise the bulk of the running
time, are in slow motion, with a bad music sound track, and no dialogue.
The last bit, the part about no dialogue, is a blessing, considering the
level of the dialogue. Probably the best flub is when Featherly refers
to the wife, Raquel, as Rachel. I also like the part where the father of
the kidnapped girl has admitted to wiring ransom money to the Bahamas.
The cop then asks, "When is the next drop?" All of the dialogue seemed
like it was improvised.
The film is also a technical disaster. The film is entirely full of video noise, and there is no focus puller listed in the credits, which might explain all of the focus problems.
Scoop's comments in white:
Listless softcore entry:
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