Island of the Dead (2000) from Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)
can't say that this is the worst film I've ever seen in my life,
because that encompasses a lot of years, a lot of bad movies, and the
complex problem of defining the criteria.
But it could be the worst in certain categories:
1. Least action. Do you know how horror movies always have a set-up phase? First they show happy, normal families and their dogs. Then there are slightly strange things which everyone ignores. Then there is havoc. Then resolution. This movie has 52 minutes of the set-up and slightly-strange phase. 52 minutes when nothing happens, although there are some "mysterious" moments with "spooky" music.
2. Darkest. There were a couple of scenes where I couldn't make out anything except Malcolm McDowell's white hair.
3. Most mundane threat. The protagonists are attacked by swarms of flies. Not giant flies. Not bees or mosquitoes. Not flies carrying a deadly plague. Just garden flies, and plenty of them.
|The premise was actually pretty creepy. We follow the POV of a lady cop who has been demoted to unimportant missing persons cases, and we wonder why she got this duty. In following a lead, she spends a day on an uninhabited island off the coast of New York City, where the government has been burying the anonymous dead for more than a century, and still is. The labor on the island is provided by prisoners.||
often happens in these things, there is a billionaire real estate
developer, ala Donald Trump, who wants to develop the island for
casinos and high-rises, and doesn't care about any silly old anonymous
dead bodies which he might desecrate.
So there she is, our detective, on an island which is nothing but a large graveyard, looking for a missing person amidst the graves, surrounded by dangerous unchained prisoners, desecrated graves, a corrupt developer, and swarms of flies which number in the zillions.
Well, as you might already have guessed, they have to spend the night on the island, predicated on some lame pretext or another, and it's real .... um .... dark, and I couldn't see anything, and I pretty much stopped paying attention. Sorry.
|Believe me, it may not
sound that bad, but it sounds a lot better than it actually was.
Although I don't remember what really happened, I know nothing much
happened at all, and I suppose then they got out some fly swatters and
a can of Raid, and her heroine caught the morning ferry in time to do a power
brunch at the Algonquin and pick up some half-price cancellation
tickets for a matinee of The Vagina Monologues.
Very poor effort. The actors gave it their best shot, but the film is lacking in energy, is not scary, and is just too damned dark.
Return to the Movie House home page