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Girls
Gone Dead
(2012)
by Johnny Web (Uncle
Scoopy; Greg Wroblewski)
"A group of six ex-high school cheerleaders
are stalked by a killer with a medieval war hammer and
battle axe during their first Spring Break from
college."
I think you can determine the general spirit of the film
and the level of its intellectual sophistication from
the above description and some key members of its cast:
Jerry Lawler, Ron Jeremy, Sal the Stockbroker, Linnea
Quigley, Beetlejuice, and breasts.
Not necessarily in that order.
Girls Gone Dead is a jokey, Troma-style horror film, and
the plot is pretty much identical to all other films
where the homicidal maniac gradually slaughters all the
mindlessly horny teenagers until the "good" kids
miraculously survive.
Oh, did I spoil it for you?
Linnea, the legendary scream queen who is now in her
mid-50s, appears as a singing Australian bartender named
Willie. Really. I mean, could I make that up? Her
singing is roughly on the same level as Marky Mark's
rendition of "The Theme From Octopussy" in Ted, which is
to say that she's so far from musical pitch that she
would probably embarrass Bjørk.
Anyway, the real point of the so-called "horror" film,
as far as I can determine, is to have a few laughs and
expose a few breasts. Using that definition of its
sub-genre, Girls Gone Dead is somewhere in the middle of
the pack. The film's plot, humor and characterization
are predictable, but not entirely awful. Sal the
Stockbroker is raunchy and funny in his limited screen
time, and Jerry Lawler actually defeats the villain by
administering a piledriver! (Oh, no. I spoiled it
again!) I watched most of the film patiently or with
some amusement, but certain individual scenes were so
perfunctory that I just fast-forwarded to something more
interesting like, for example, breasts. In the tit-tay
department, I'd rate the film a bit above average. The
girls are cute, there are plenty of breasts to ogle, and
just about all of the breasts are natural.
So it's got that goin' for it.
Our Grade:
If you are not familiar with our grading system, you
need to read the
explanation, because the grading is not linear.
For example, by our definition, a C is solid and a C+
is a VERY good movie. There are very few Bs and As.
Based on our descriptive system, this film is a:
C
Please not: That seemingly generous grade
considers it to be a "straight-to-DVD titty film."
Within that genre it is average and adequate genre fare.
As a horror comedy it would be rated D or lower.
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